Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
