Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
