i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My vagina is officially offended.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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