Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
