I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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