I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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