Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
