my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
