im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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