He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
