shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
