you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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