Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
