Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
