If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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