I'm eating all of the evidence.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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