hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
