Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i need some magic done to my vagina
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
