I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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