He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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