God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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