Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
