My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
