you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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