matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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