Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
