I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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