Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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