Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
