I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
As shirtless as possible
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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