So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Enjoy the penises
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
