So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
