You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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