so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
