I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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