I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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