I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
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You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
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Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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