Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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