She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
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