You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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