ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
