tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Two words: blizzard sex
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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