Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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