you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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