I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
