I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
