Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
