and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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