I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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