I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
