Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
