So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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