Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
