I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
