is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
