Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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