OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
