6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
